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  • Day 3: Trier, Part 2; a Turkish neighborhood in Cologne

    Turns out I didn’t get to do much today. Good thing I didn’t have anything specific planned. But the day started out great.

    I slept decent and had a nice breakfast at the hotel. Via some junk email I just got from TripAdvisor, turns out the place I stayed at is the #1 spot in Trier on their list. So I’m not the only one who thought it was nice. I would definitely stay there again, but doubt I’ll be coming this way again any time soon.

     I could have had breakfast on the terrace but it was still 47 degrees at 6:45am this morning so I passed. The hotel literally sits on a cliff though so it’s a nice view of the Moselle Valley.
    I checked out about 7:45 and had a few more things I wanted to see before I made my way to the train station. As I was walking to the first item, I passed what initially looked like a construction site. For some reason I took a closer look through the fence and realized it was an archeological dig. They are still finding ancient Roman stuff apparently.

     

    I wanted to see the Roman Bridge over the Moselle River. Its foundational pillars are over 1800 years old, and it was resurfaced in the 1200’s and 1800’s. No matter how you count it, that’s pretty sturdy construction.

     This was just to the left of where I was standing to take the bridge pictures. Sac folk: kinda reminds you of the American River Parkway, huh?
    Missing a foot? I should’ve put mine on the base for perspective, but then probably couldn’t get the shot! This is 1.5 x 2 Meters – what’s left of what was a 12 Meter statue of Constantine. It’s sitting out in front of the entrance to the Imperial Baths.
    Roman baths were, oversimplified, huge public swimming pools. Unfortunately, there was so much restoration work going on right now I couldn’t really get a decent shot of anything on the inside. This is the outside wall.
    Dan had done this Luxembourg/Trier combo one weekend when he was here earlier in the year, so this was really about me catching up while he was working. After he read my blog last night, he sent me an email saying “go to the Amphitheater before you leave.” It was on the way to the train station from the baths, so why not? It was also out of the city center and took me through some nice neighborhoods, so it was a really nice walk, and the Amphitheater itself was surprisingly fun.
    Wanna go to gladiator school? They’re serious – check out the website. Teaching it as a form of martial arts.
    This was towards the entrance to the arena, but what I really loved were the grapevines in the background!
    I’d already climbed around to the other side of the arena, trying to get out of the sun to get a decent shot. By then a woman had walked in, you can see her in the shadows, and gives you some perspective.
    The arena was built around 160 AD and it’s estimated it would seat 20,000 people. After Trier fell out of power about the 4th century, the stones that lined the arena were removed and used in other construction.
    Everything was completely open and they just let you climb around and wander wherever. This leads down to…..
    …here. It was a cellar, back in the day used for changing scenery, props, etc., during performances. Gladiator fights weren’t the only thing the arena was used for, also full on theater. I walked to the end of this walkway, took a right…
     …and it just kept going. It ran the full width of the arena and there was another staircase on the other side leading back out.

    There was a pathway like this on either side of the arena entrance that lead to the seating areas. They were called vomitoriums because they would “spew out” people when the performances were over. Really.

    I got a big kick out of this for some reason and was glad I went. There was lots of hiking to do all around it and it would have been easy to explore more, but I wanted to get to the train station to catch the 10:32, and it was about 9:50. I took a wrong turn I realized later than I should have, and then when approaching the train station, realized I was coming in the back way and had to figure out how to cross 12 tracks to get to the station. I found the pathway finally and you literally just walked across. I thought: this wouldn’t last long like this in America, because some idiot would get killed by a train, the railyards would get sued and suddenly there would be a bridge or something. But here I guess they trust you not to walk in front of moving trains. Imagine that.

    As I laid my foot on the top step to the platform my train arrived, just in time! For all the good it did: about 30 minutes from my transfer point the train broke down. After sitting for more than 2 hours, they finally got going very slowly, and at the next stop we had to switch trains. When I got to Koblenz, the train to Cologne had just left and there wouldn’t be another for an hour. So I got out of the station and had a little lunch – currywurst – and made it back to catch the train to Cologne at 3:30. I finally got back to the room about 5:15. Literally the entire afternoon gone – had things gone as planned, I would have been back about 1pm. Oh well. It was pretty comfortable on the train and I read a lot. I know my legs appreciated the rest after the beating I gave them Monday and Tuesday.

    I did some packing and took a shower, and grabbed a few pictures of our room at the Hilton.



    At the right angle, you can see the cathedral.

    Dan got in from work around 6pm. We planned some of the logistics for tomorrow then decided to go out for Turkish food for dinner. We discovered a little Turkish neighborhood on the opposite side of the train station. We haven’t ventured to that side since we were here first in 2013. It was a great little neighborhood, and the restaurant was packed with locals so we figured we were in for something authentic. And we were. Loved the food.

    Their version of chips and salsa: brought to every table, tortilla like pieces of bread, with a hot sauce or a yogurt sauce to spread on them before you roll them up. And we got a full pitcher of a yogurt drink that was pretty good. It was odd at first – a salty yogurt – but it grew on you. And very filling.
    They called them mini pizzas. Pretty tasty – spicy hamburger ground very finely on a crisp pita bread, or something close to it. That was it. Simple and good.

    Dan took a spoonful before I remembered to take a shot, but that was probably better: Turkish tortellini – small pieces of pasta with little bits of beef in a nice sauce, and slathered with yogurt on top. All you saw when they brought the dish was the white blanket of yogurt with some of the brown and orange sauce. We were like “what the hell did I order?” There were no descriptions of the food on the menu, we were going just by title.

    Dan got the mixed grill, which included beef, chicken and lamb 2 ways, with rice and salad. It was all pretty dang tasty. (Although I’m still not crazy about lamb.)

     

     A glass of hot tea provided at the end.
    This was the place, Mangal. This neighborhood reminded me more of Amsterdam than anything – there were lots of different ethnic areas in that city and this had that same feel – down to almost getting run over by bicyclists as we crossed the street.
    On the way back we passed a little bakery specializing in baklava, of course. We were pretty full at the time but brought some back to the room for some late night goodies. Just had a few bites – pretty tasty.

     

    And that was the day. Not much to it. Dan goes to work tomorrow morning, I’m not sure what I’m doing yet but will find something to do in Cologne. We’re meeting at the Dusseldorf airport around 2pm. Tomorrow night we’ll be in Barcelona.

  • Day 2: Luxembourg American Cemetery & Trier

    I woke up about 5:40am, just a little over 5.5 hours sleep. I felt rested but needed coffee, and there wasn’t any in the room. But breakfast was included and the restaurant opened at 6am so I got dressed and made my way down. Breakfast was simple – cereals, deli meats and cheeses, a good variety of natural breads, fruit. And lots to drink – full pots of coffee and milk – both hot – and a carafe of OJ. The cereals were interesting with the hot milk: a granola-ish one that sort of turned into oatmeal, but not in a bad way, and chocolate rice crispies.

    I was planning my day using TripAdvisor and re-reading my blog from yesterday. I was reminded of the American Cemetery. Since I was up so early I had enough time to still do that, take a later train to Trier and still have plenty of day left to do what I wanted there. So I checked out about 7:45 and made my way. It was about a 3 mile walk, I made it there in about an hour. I was along a busy road the whole time – plenty of traffic but not much to see, either going through woods, industrial, or something under construction. And there was no signage. I followed Google’s walking instructions with my fingers crossed. It took this weird turn down along a trench where they were building who knows what, and underneath a bridge. I was getting nervous. As I got under the bridge, I finally came across this, the first confirmation outside of Google that I was headed in the right direction.

    It was another 1/3 mile or so up a road through more woods. As I progressed, the sounds of the busy roads behind me diminished and the sounds of the birds got louder and louder. Think Vivaldi, not Hitchcock. It was a nice Spring day and about 60-65 degrees at that point.  But I had worked up a bit of a sweat because most of that trip was uphill. I was appreciating a flat walk through the woods.

     Which eventually led you to this.
     This is what you saw first: “In proud remembrance of the achievements of her sons and in humble tribute to their sacrifices this memorial has been erected by the United States of America.”
     This was the left side of that monument, the steps leading up to a chapel.

     

    This is the ceiling of the chapel. The words around the edge: “In proud and grateful memory of those men of the armed services of the United States of America who in this region and in the skies above it endured all and gave all that justice among nations might prevail and that mankind might enjoy freedom and inherit peace.”
    Those of you who read blogs from our previous Europe trips know we’re big on WWII history. I realized this morning I couldn’t be this close and not do it. And I am so glad I did.

    This is the military operations map for the surrounding region. If you’ve seen Band of Brothers, or know anything at all about WWII history, The Ardennes will mean something to you. If nothing else, you’ve probably heard of The Battle of the Bulge; the casualties from that battle and others are buried here. 5076 total.

     

     

     

    It’s hard to put into words what I was thinking about while I was here. It’s impossible not to be moved, especially with the history I have in my head. Even yesterday on the train as I was traveling down from Koblenz I was thinking about it, knowing these lands were blood filled for years during both wars. I always think about that when I’m on a train in Germany. It makes all the pettiness in American politics these days seem so ridiculous. This was real evil at play, and men literally from all over the world joined efforts to stop it. The Ardennes was a long fought battle, one of the hardest of the war, and it was this victory after Normandy that eventually led the Allies to Berlin. We think we know struggle, loss, and sacrifice. We don’t.

     

     

    If the date looks funny to you, it’s because he didn’t die during the war. He was the leader during the Battle of the Bulge, which is why he was buried here. He died from injuries in a car accident about 6 months after the war ended. Go figure.

    Passed this on my way back.

    I left the cemetery about 9:30am. If I was quick, I could just make the 10:26 to Trier, just an hour later than I’d thought I would go last night. With literally running the last couple of blocks and through the train station, I made it just after the doors to the train had closed. Crap! Then the gal in front of me – who was also running – hit the magic button and they opened again. Good to know! She jumped in and I went right behind her.

    And I got the same seat I had yesterday! Time to charge my phone on the hour ride. By that time I had already walked a good 6 miles or more so I was ready for a little rest.

    Trier was known as the “Rome of the North” back in the day, with origins as far back at 17 BC. By the 2nd century AD there were great temples, a town wall with several gates, an amphitheater and a huge bathing facility. Trier became an imperial residence in the 3rd century. The city is littered with ruins of this stuff, some better kept than others.

     Meet Porta Nigra, or Black Gate. This is a side view of what remains of one of the gates mentioned above, and the first thing you see as you near the city center from the train station.
     Full Frontal of Porta Nigra. It was only €3 to get in so why not?
    My attempt to capture the levels and the opening in the middle of the structure.
     The city center from the top floor of Porta Nigra. Today Trier’s population is about 105,000. Those spires on the left is where I’m headed next. It was about Noon and I hadn’t eaten since 6am and was starting to feel it, so picked up a bratwurst sandwich with deli mustard from a “take away” stand and ate it on the way.

    “The High Cathedral of St. Peter” is the official name of this church. We’ve been in lots of European churches. Some really impress us – Cologne of course, Westminster Abbey, any of the three in Ghent – and some are “meh” like the one yesterday. This one is up there with the best of them.

    Everything about this was impressive. Romanesque architecture (of course), side altars with sculptures in amazing detail, a nice mix of materials – stone, wood, and marble. Good old pews instead of chairs – I maintain that’s a German thing. A gigantic organ (that’s the thing hanging down left of center). This one was stunning to me.

     

    Opposite of where that first inside picture was taken.

    OK enough of that. I headed down the little street opposite the entrance to St. Peter’s and wound up in the biggest square, Hauptmarkt.

     

     

     It’s cheesy but these squares are one of my favorite things about Europe. I have yet to go to any town that doesn’t have at least one, usually more, and I love them every time. I was charmed from the very first one I saw in Mainz in 2013.
    I was tired of lugging my backpack around and to decided to see if my room was ready early. It was a little bit out of the city center, but Google got me there again (although it was questionable for a minute).

    The Hotel Villa Hugel, which I found on Booking.com. My room wasn’t ready yet so I just dropped off my bag, used the restroom, headed back out.

    I wish I had known about this on the way up. I nice little walking path that served as a shortcut and much easier access down the hill than the street I walked up. The guy at the hotel gave me a little map and pointed out a few tricks of getting around.

    I saw this indicated on the map but it wasn’t marked so I walked a little past where I was supposed to turn to see what it was. Wasn’t marked in real life either. I decided to call it Random Roman Ruin. I have no idea how old it is or it’s purpose, but it does look old. It was just there in the middle of a boulevard.

     This is the park in the middle of the boulevard just to the left of it.

    I ventured around to the other side to discover it was open – so just like a 2/3 circle – and empty. Still no clue.

    Next I headed over to the Karl Marx house. He was born here in Trier in 1818. I’m always interested in political history and this was pretty interesting. Although he’s the author of the Communist Manifesto, he must roll over in his grave seeing what guys like Stalin did with it. He was the original socialist. The Nazis were socialist, too. At least based on what I learned today, there’s nothing in his original philosophies that had any room whatsoever for dictatorship – quite the opposite in fact – so it’s difficult to understand how Stalin, Hitler and later China took it there. Then, just this evening I was reading this over dinner. Interesting timing.

    What to do next? It was about 3:30. Do I go back to the room and check in and rest a bit? The hotel has a swimming pool and sauna available and that was sounding pretty good. But I knew if I went there I probably wouldn’t leave again. Especially if the restaurant was open for dinner. Thinking about my TripAdvisor list from this morning, I had done just about all I wanted to do already. And there was still tomorrow morning if need be.

    I decided to go to the Landesmuseum. It’s a bit of a museum chain if you will in the Rhineland. I had been to one in Mainz. I stopped for something to drink at a cafe on the way and had a nice rest in front of this pool. That building in the back is the end of the Trier Palace.

    This museum was not like one I had ever really been in before. It was dedicated just about exclusively to archeology because of the Roman roots of the region.  There was lots of fossils, bones, etc., in the early part, dating back 150,000 BC, including some stuff from the Neander Valley in Germany, which is where Neanderthal came from.

    Then came the Roman finds. There was rooms and rooms of this stuff.

     This piece is about 2000 years old.
     Also about 2000 years old. Go ahead: caption it. I dare you.
     Avid coin collectors on TripAdvisor were going on and on about the impressive collection of Roman coins here. There was a big cold temperature controlled room full of this stuff. I’m not all that into coins, but these were pretty cool looking I have to admit, and in great condition.

     

     Mosaics were for the wealthy and Roman Trier was definitely rich. There was a huge room with lots of intricate mosaics that had been dug up, some with missing pieces but most in extraordinary condition for their age. This one above was HUGE. Here’s the perspective: this picture was taken from a balcony of the floor above it. My guess is it’s about 16ft x 21ft. I figured that because it was about as long as our living room but wider, and I know that’s 14×21. And those are teeny tiny tiles – like 1cm x 1cm.
     This was much smaller, maybe 3×5 or something – but you can see how small the tiles are in the detail.
     Another of the mosaics I really liked. This was maybe 24″ round.
     A model of Roman Trier.
    I was definitely ready to be done with my day after that, even though it was only about 4:30. My room was ready when I got back to the hotel and they’d put my backpack in it already. The guy showed me around – that picture of the front is deceiving. It goes down several levels from there. Below street level is one still for guest rooms, another for the swimming pool, another yet for the sauna and steam room.
     A little nicer than the room I had yesterday, eh? That desk in the corner is where I’m writing this.

    I took a nice hot shower and went down for a dip in the pool then sat in the steam room for a while. Felt Great. I worked on the blog for about an hour then went down for dinner about 7pm.

    I am usually not a food picture guy but my friend Melanie specifically requested it when I talked to her on Saturday. Since she’s the original inspiration for the blog, I figured I’d work on it. Then Art commented on it yesterday. So Mel and Art, these are for you!

    Since breakfast has been included so far every morning (and will be tomorrow as well), and I spent only €4 for lunch, I decided to splurge some at dinner. This was a beef tenderloin with a couple of shrimp on top, on a bed of snap peas. Those little yellow things are potatoes. Why are they yellow? Because they’re bathed in butter. May have been the best part of the meal.
    This was amazing: a scoop of chocolate ice cream with a variety of fruit on top of a perfect creme brulee. And a hardened chocolate sauce on top that was Really Hard, and a glass-blown-type-sugar-thingy on top with some mint leaves. Great coffee and a surprise bite of almond cake in the background. Lovely.
    I came back and wrote a bit more, then back down for some more steam before they closed that off at 10. It’s 11:15pm now. I’d say I had quite a day.
  • Day 1: Luxembourg

    We both slept a good 7 hours and woke up a little before 7am. We had breakfast at the hotel buffet, which was pretty decent. Food-wise, German breakfasts aren’t that different from American food, except for timing: I’ve haven’t eaten pork-n-beans for breakfast since the last time I was here. Now that I mention it, that was probably the last time I ate them period. Deli meats and cheeses for breakfast also. And mushrooms, always mushrooms. They actually go good with the pork-n-beans!

    We headed to the train station together, our trains leaving about 4 minutes apart: Dan’s to Monheim for work, mine to Luxembourg.

     

    I do love the trains and the train stations! I took one bound for Koblenz, a town we did on our first trip 2 years ago, where I would transfer. It is somehow comforting to do something familiar on my way to something new. The train was packed with workers until Bonn – a stop I made last year – and then it looked like this.

    So a very comfortable ride until Koblenz, although there were a few delays and I missed the connection I had planned. I would get to Luxembourg an hour later than I originally thought, but I had nothing scheduled so it didn’t matter. It ended up being 4.5 hours on the train. It somehow went by very fast. I didn’t mind it at all, it was very relaxing. This was the little corner I had all to myself, with a plug to charge my phone even.

     

    I snapped this off my phone just after leaving Koblenz. Today I am going to Luxembourg City, tomorrow stopping in Trier on the way back.

    This also gives you an idea of the ground I covered today. Luxembourg is only about 125 miles from Cologne. It takes awhile by train because of all the stops. It’s faster by car but we have no interest in driving when we’re here. We really enjoy the public transportation. It’s way more relaxing than trying to drive on a number of levels.

    Luxembourg is nestled between Germany, Belgium and France. At less than 1000 square miles, it’s smaller than Rhode Island. The entire country has less than 600,000 people, and roughly 20% of them live in Luxembourg City, the capital. According to the United Nations, it has the highest per person GDP in the world, with banking and finance contributing a big chunk to that. It is also the site of the European Court of Justice for the EU.

    And by the way, some of the best travel money I’ve spent is on the “pay as you go” international package Verizon offers. It’s available for most countries and has been just So Convenient to have. You don’t have to worry about roaming charges and can keep the cell/data part turned off to minimize charges. I really only use it a lot the first few days when I’m by myself, and wouldn’t do it any other way. Once Dan joins me we use his phone primarily because Bayer pays for that.

    When you cross borders it automatically changes to the provider in that country Verizon has the deal with and you get text messages. These came in while I was on the train.

    I checked into my hotel right at 2pm, took some things out of my bag I didn’t need and headed into town. The hotel is like 2 blocks from the train station and maybe .5 mile to the city center. There is an American Cemetery about 4 miles outside of town. I was thinking about going but since I got here an hour later than planned I decided to nix it. General Patton is buried there. Had no clue.

    This town has interesting terrain. Lots of hills and valleys. My legs got a good workout today.

    This is their Notre Dame. I went inside for a few minutes but it was nothing to write home about.

    Europeans love American Presidents, especially the ones from WW1 and WW2. Paris had streets named after both FDR and Woodrow Wilson.

    This is the full shot of the Constitution plaza from the picture above.

     

    Lunch was at a little soup place. I had the international soup of the day, which was Jamaican. Almost like curry in coconut milk but not quite. Lots of red peppers and potatoes.

     They take their soup seriously.

     

    This was a government administration building on one end of a nice square which I kept coming back to. It’s a small town after all. This was my first siting.

    That’s the back side of Notre Dame behind another square. There was a restaurant with sidewalk seating right behind me.

    And this was the square around the corner from that one! This was a hotel, with restaurants lining the right side out of view.

    I headed over to The Casements. These are ruins of a fortress that had its beginnings in 963 AD, with old town down (way down) below it.

     

    The Casements and the old town below were declared a World Heritage site by UNESCO in 1994.

    This is a monastery in old town looking down from the fortress area. The fortress was essentially a maze. Dark, really cold at times, lots of steep staircases, most frequently very narrow and spiral.

     A few cannons still lying around. These of course face away from old town. (But into the newer part!)
     I liked this photo for perspective. You get a sense of how old the fortress walls are. Note the small people at the top of it, as well as on the steps of the monastery left of center. It’s a pretty big drop.
    Eventually I finally found my way down into old town and walked around there a bit. This was from the monastery looking back up at the fortress I’d been in earlier.
      I cheated on the way in and took an elevator, but tried to capture the walk back up via the photo below.

     

    This is further back in the first square I was in earlier, around dinner time, so lots of people enjoying pretty nice weather. It was about 72, some sun, mostly overcast. I didn’t see a lot of food that interesting, but this place called “Bananas” had a fun menu with a lot of attitude so I popped in there for a TazLuxemburger (because you’re not in Hamburg, the menu reminded you). The taz was a salsa of sorts dumped on an open faced burger on focaccia. It was pretty tasty and the fries were excellent.

     

     

     As I was headed back I passed the same square and there was now an orchestra in the gazebo playing classical music. It was great!
    My last shot of the terrain as I headed back over the bridge to my hotel.
     The little hotel I found through Booking.com, and my very little room below.

    I did some meandering before going back in and found myself in a pretty seedy area just in the next block behind the hotel. Got out of there fast and found myself back at the train station. Stopped in to see what my options were for leaving tomorrow. I don’t have assigned seating so can just jump on any train I want going to Trier. Will probably do 9:26am.

    I had heard that there wasn’t much to do here and that was definitely true. I’m glad I came, though, it’s still interesting to see people in other countries going about their daily lives. There are three “official” languages in Luxembourg – Luxembourgish, French, and German. And yet everyone I encountered spoke English as well.  It’s like a quintessential European city, it doesn’t really have a language or cuisine of its own. But I had fun.

    And a PS: The guy on the right is Xavier Bettel, the 42 year old Prime Minister. The guy on the left is his husband, an architect named Gauthier Destenay. They’ve been together since 2010, and were married last month, May 15, a few months after it became legal here. That’s all :)

     

  • Departure: San Francisco to Cologne

    Not too much to write about, just glad to have gotten here safe and sound. I left Davis Saturday afternoon and dropped the car off in front of a friend’s house in Burlingame. Arranged for a cab to take me to the San Francisco airport from there. It’s close, there wasn’t much traffic and not much of a line in security: it took only 20 minutes to get from the Burlingame house to my gate. Good way to start!

    My flight was delayed a little but finally left around 7:30pm. It was almost 10 hours in the plane. I read and played games on my Kindle and watched 3 in flight movies (The Imitation Game, Gone Girl, American Sniper.) The time passed relatively quickly. I slept less than 1.5 hours. I deplaned in London around 1:30pm local time and, having to go through customs and security again (Heathrow is a joy in this way….not….) it took every bit of the 1.5 hour layover I had to get to my gate.

    The flight to Dusseldorf was also a little late, but I was greeted with a nice surprise at the end: Dan took the train from Cologne to meet me at the airport. What a guy! I was so not expecting to see him I barely recognized him as I was making my way through the exit to find the trains. It’s only about a 45 minute train ride to Cologne but we had to wait a bit for the next one.

    I think it’s fitting that the first official picture of the trip be the same as it was last year: the square outside of the Cologne train station and in front of the cathedral. There were street performers doing acrobatic/gymnastic things to congas at the bottom of the steps, so in the shot below you see all the people on the steps being entertained.

     

    We are staying at the Hilton and it’s just a couple of blocks away. We dropped off my bags and started meandering in search of dinner. This is our 3rd trip in as many years, each starting in Germany because of Dan’s work, and each starting with Italian food the first night. There are a ton of Italian restaurants in Germany and for whatever reason we hardly ever go out for it at home, so make up for it while we’re here.

    On our way, we came across this. Couldn’t resist.

     

    We eventually ended up here. It was a 4.5 on Yelp and was what we usually go for – neighborhood hole-in-the-wall. It was cute on the outside, and we sat at a front corner table – literally behind that sconce and menu on the left. The weather was cool and breezy and it was lovely.

     

    But culturally confusing. It was an Italian restaurant with a menu in German, and a group of women speaking Russian or something like it to our right. We would say “danka” and the waiter would say “grazi”. The food was OK, although we both agreed my dish was better, and Dan didn’t care for his much at all, so we switched halfway through. Mine was a creamy, cheesy mushroom fettuccine thing – can’t go wrong with that. Clean simple flavors done very well I thought. Dan’s I think was more German than Italian – it reminded me of stuff my Granny used to to make. The tomato sauce was definitely not like a marinara or anything else classic Italian – although I’m not sure I can put my finger on the flavor profile. I liked it better than he did so was fine switching.

    Y’all get another year of Dan going “are your eyes open?”, which generally results in this expression:

     

    Afterwards we walked through town some more and found a nice little gelato shop on the other side of the cathedral. Yum – something about the gelato here is just “that” much better than at home – extra creamy or something, It’s obvious from the first taste. I stuck to basics: stracciatella and pistachio; Dan got whiskey and banana (!). Let’s just say he didn’t like his as much as I liked mine. “I should’ve gotten strawberry” he says as we were walking back to the hotel. (PS: If you haven’t had stracciatella before, think Eskimo pie. And if you don’t know what that is I can’t help you…)

    It is 11:30pm local time, which makes it 2:30pm back home. So I’ve been up close to 35 hours with maybe 2 hours sleep total. Time for bed. Tomorrow the real fun begins!

    Last pic: in previous years I’ve talked about how glad I am that I learned to pack light. I outdid myself this year. Dan had to bring a sports coat for a work function so we decided to use that as an excuse to perhaps to go into some nice places for dinner later in the trip. There were places last year in Paris we couldn’t get into because we didn’t have the right clothes. Which, by the way, we’re totally OK with. But we decided to challenge ourselves and bring more variety and still not check baggage.

    That’s a standard carry-on sized roller bag – maybe even on the small side – and the laptop bag I purchased for last year’s trip and use everyday for work. Here’s what’s in them:
    laptop, mouse, cell phone, kindle, all power cords; 2 sets of earbuds, 2 euro adaptors, 1
    sport coat, 1 pair of slacks, 1 long sleeve dress shirt;
    3 short sleeve button downs shirts, 4 polo shirts;
    1 pair of jeans, 1 pair of shoes, 6-7 sets of socks and underwear
    electric razor, toiletries, swimming trunks, 1 shorts and tshirt set
    2 umbrellas
    passport, euros, 2 weeks supply of prescriptions, vitamins, lactose pills, fingernail clippers, toothbrush, other misc toiletries

    Seems like I’m missing something but you get the idea. That may not be packing light exactly, but it’s a creative use of space I’ll tell ya that. And no worries about “will my bags make it?” I think we’re ready!

  • Pre-departure

    I’m generally pretty focused on being in the moment. I’m a good planner and make time to do just that; then when I’m doing I’m in it and not thinking of much else. Planning vs. doing are two very distinct activities in my head, something I got really good at that while working on my masters as I was working full time and doing a bunch of traveling, both business and pleasure. I’ve been thinking about writing about those distinctions for me because I had to take it to a zen level to keep my sanity last year and I find it playing out in my life now in a number of ways. But that’s a different blog.

    All that to say, when Dan asks things like “are you excited about xx” that’s some weeks or months away, I’m always like “uh, no, not even thinking about it.” But almost without fail when there’s a big trip coming up, I actually DO start to get excited once my official “one week away” countdown begins.

    That countdown started yesterday. About this time next week I’ll be in London Heathrow waiting for my next flight. It’s been a heck of a year and I’m ready for a vacation, and am really excited about both new and familiar things on this trip.

    Dan is really enjoying his work at Bayer and while his travel schedule can be rough he is committed to making it work well for both of us. He’s done 4 trips this calendar year already that were all 10-12 days – two in Raleigh/Durham and two in Europe. We’re committed to turning one of his Europe business trips a year into a vacation for us so he tries to pick one where he’ll only have to work a few days and then we can tack extra time onto that. This is the one!

    I’ve also had a busy year with finishing my masters in April (yahoo!) and starting a new job in January which has been entirely satisfying, challenging and rewarding. So excited to be where I am in my career. But again, another blog entry probably.

    On top of that, we’ve had some interesting real estate things going on. Won’t get into too much detail here but let’s just say it’s kept us both busy and frustrated at times. Some of you have heard our intention to move from Davis to Midtown, Sacramento. We’ve actually been in escrow on a property since December, original closing date was set for January 29. And we still haven’t closed. Short version: sellers have to address some issues the title company brought up relative to a little lien the City of Sacramento has on the property. It’s nothing we care about, but the deal can’t move forward until they fix things and it’s been painfully slow. So we wait.

    We are definitely ready for some play time. Here’s the plan this year:

    Dan is actually leaving from home Wednesday night. He has to work in San Francisco on Thursday, and is flying out Friday morning. He has some big work to do early part of the week and wanted an extra day to help with time lag. I wasn’t able to leave until late Saturday because I had a board meeting for my job I needed to present at. As of late this past week, that obligation has been pushed to the September board meeting. I’m relieved that I’ll have more flexibility on the day I leave, because the logistics of getting to Fremont in the morning then SFO that evening was getting tricky. Car? Public transportation? Neither was ideal. But all that worked out about the same time and I’m leaving my car in front of a friend’s house in Burlingame. So we will have a way home when we get back.

    So I leave Saturday evening out of SFO to London, then will meet Dan in Cologne, which will be home base the first few days. Since he will be really busy with work Monday and Tuesday, I’m going to head out on my own and catch up on some things he’s been able to do on his weekends over there earlier in the year. Monday I will take a train to Luxembourg City and spend the night there, Tuesday move on to Trier, Germany, and spend the night there. Wednesday and Thursday morning I will hang out in Cologne. This is my 3rd time there and I’m looking forward to both something familiar yet there are still things to see and do for the first time. And I do love the cathedral and the train station! Cologne for me has turned into some kind of touchstone and I’m not quite sure why yet.

    Thursday afternoon we fly to Barcelona. We’ve rented an apartment from AirBnB and will be there through Monday. Originally the idea for this trip included Madrid and Lisbon. But Dan was trying to maximize both points and efficient travel via British Airways and you had to fly through London to get to Lisbon, which didn’t make sense to him. And the train would take too much time. So he turned the question around: where you can get a direct flight to from Barcelona?

    And one of the answers to that question is: Helsinki. We loved the novelty and diversity that would bring. So we’re doing 5 nights there as home base, with several day trips, including one for sure to Tallinn, Estonia.

    Dan’s very excited that I’ll get to say I’ll have my feet in 5 countries on this trip: Germany, Luxembourg, Spain, Finland, Estonia. I have to say I’m pretty excited, too.

    The blog has become a given and such an integral part of the trip it now even factors into our choices for where we stay – ensuring there’s a desk set up of some kind so I can write somewhat comfortably every night. We enjoy the interaction and look forward to you joining us for the ride!

     

  • Easter for the non-religious

    Easter for the non-religious

    April 21, 2019

    I originally wrote this on April 5, 2015. The “Indiana nonsense” was about the Religious Freedom Restoration Act that had just passed there. Opponents of the law believed it targeted LGBT folks, and with good reason. I called it nonsense then because of what I believe to be true about Christianity, although it seems rare to see it actually practiced, at least in the public sphere. Ironically, today the only politician I see talking about Christianity the way I think it should be discussed in politics, if at all, is the gay mayor of South Bend who last week announced his candidacy for President, Pete Buttigieg. You can read some about his religious views here if you are interested.

    At any rate, I’d forgotten I’d written this and thought it was a good time to republish.

    ———————————————

    With all of the Indiana nonsense that’s been going around lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to call yourself a Christian.

    As I mentioned in a prior entry, I have a morning reading ritual with the objective of continuing to expand my spiritual worldview. I’m almost done with the book I was reading then, “The World’s Religions” by Huston Smith. I’m on the last chapter, “The Primal Religions”, which covers, among other things, aborigines. The preceding chapter was on Christianity. He saved the big one for last in term of major religions. Having been raised very, very Catholic, it’s the one I’m the most familiar with, but I still learned stuff.

    The path I started on over 20 years ago that took me farther and farther away from organized religion is based on understanding the historical context in which things happened and my reading here took me there in a very satisfying way. One of the things I’ve become convinced of is that many Christian denominations have strayed far from Christ’s original message. When I notice questionable actions being taken in the name of Christianity, I always hear Margaret Cho in my head going “that’s not what I meant.”

    There was one particular section of this chapter that struck me. It’s tricky to underscore its significance without repeating the several pages that came before it, which talked about how early Christians interpreted Christ’s message and changed the way they lived and behaved based on that interpretation. It is best summarized by this sentence: “It is not difficult to see how release from guilt, fear, and self could feel like rebirth.” At least based on what makes the news, I can’t say I witness a lot of Christians today who have been relieved of guilt, fear, and self. Ironically, the release of those things has been a primary goal of my own path. So I paused when I read that. “Wow, if that’s what it’s supposed to be, then maybe I am a Christian.” Then I turned the page and came across this:

    “The only power that can effect transformations of the order we have described is love….God’s love is precisely what the first Christians did feel. They had experienced Jesus’ love and had become convinced that Jesus was God incarnate. Once that love reached them it could not be stopped. Melting the barriers of fear, guilt and self, it poured through them as if they were sluice gates, augmenting the love they had hitherto felt for others until the difference in degree become a difference in kind and a new quality, which the world has come to call Christian love, was born.”

    And then I thought: that’s definitely not the kind of Christianity that makes the news. And that’s too bad, because I know it’s out there. And it’s also very similar to my own spiritual worldview. There’s a whole bunch of Christian theology that I don’t subscribe to, which is why I would never call myself a Christian, but there are certain things I do believe that don’t require my belief in the historical Christ, miracles, bodily resurrection and all the rest. I don’t argue those points one way or the other because they don’t matter to me. I long ago gave up the concept of blind faith – believing something that you’re told you must, especially when it appears illogical or unnatural – but have a great deal of what I’ve come to call experiential faith: I apply something to my life and see what results it yields. If it works, I am motivated to do more of it. And sometimes that turns into something that others interpret as me having lots of faith, like walking away from jobs that weren’t reflective of what I wanted my life to be about even though I didn’t have something else lined up. Which I’ve done twice, if you haven’t known me for 20 years. My ability to take those leaps was based on many small experiences that occurred prior which added up to the conviction – the experience – that I know I will be taken care of in the end. It might not always be pretty along the way, but experience has taught me that when I put heart and soul above fear, it all works out.

    What’s my point? There are many things I believe today because when I’ve acted as if they are true, I’ve gotten positive results in my life, encouraging me to do more of it. While I don’t believe in religion, I do believe in God. I believe we are spiritual beings in search of a human experience, not the other way around. I believe that it’s possible for there to be a man named Jesus who was God incarnate because I believe that God in in All of Us, that we all have the ability to love ourselves and others in the same way because that is the only way God gets to be God – through us. I have a plaque in my office that says “There are no others”, my reminder that we are all one body, what I do affects you and vice versa. Do I live this perfectly? Absolutely not. But when I can bring it into consciousness in the moment it helps a lot with anger, fear, judgment, and all of those other lovely human qualities that get me into so much trouble. My experience is that my life works better when I’m able to apply these principles, and that motivates me to attempt it with more regularity. Which leads to faith, which leads to more practice, etc,. etc.

    This life (and yes, I believe there have been and will be more lives) is such a tiny blip in the grand scheme, I believe we really have no idea how large and complex the game really is. I believe we are here because it’s the only way God can experience anything, and he wants to experience it all. We all end up in the same place in the end: there is no hell in a classic sense and there is no judgement because the whole point was free will. Who do you want to be?

    Am I rambling? I feel like I’m rambling. I could write about the whole “spirits in search of a human experience” thing for a long time because it is probably the most fundamental idea of my worldview which drives and supports all others. But this is the kind of stuff I think about when Indiana happens. Or on Easter Sunday when I start seeing all the very religious messages show up on Facebook. Which is obviously what got me going today. (Because I’ve otherwise been successful at staying quiet about Indiana!) Why are we here? If there was a Christ, why was he here? And the answer to me is the same: to be who we want to be so that God can experience himself through us, and we can experience God through each other. And if, as the early Christians believed, God is Love, why is that so hard? It’s only hard if you haven’t been relieved of fear, guilt, and self.

    Figure that part out, and the rest will flow.

     

     

    brown eggs in a plain nest
  • Employment vs. Religion vs. Freedom

    It’s always entertaining to me when an employer suspends or fires an employee for something they said, and whoever disagrees with that decision comes back with an argument of “there’s supposed to be freedom of speech and freedom of religion in this country.” For starters, the protections afforded by the constitution are to keep the government from infringing on free speech or on one’s practice of religion. You’re not supposed to be arrested for expressing your opinions or for your religious practices, but there are times you can be fired for them. Apparently lots of people don’t know that those protections don’t necessarily extend into the workplace.

    Although sometimes they do. Here’s something else a lot of people don’t know: the National Labor Relations Board protects employees who complain about their work environment – including how little they get paid or how much they hate their boss – whether they are a member of a union or not. I’ve had to tell many a manager: “I’m sorry Johnny called you nasty names on Facebook, but you can’t fire him for it.” It’s not freedom of speech technically that applies, but this kind of behavior is considered “concerted activity” and therefore protected by the same set of laws that protects union organizing.

    That said, an employer can fire someone for something that violates a company policy, discloses proprietary information, confidentiality of its customers, or in some way causes significant harm to the company’s reputation. You can also get fired if your views seem to be largely counter to the mission of the organization and they believe those views make you unable to perform your duties, even if, say, those views would otherwise be protected under laws barring discrimination on the basis of religion.

    The article that got me thinking about this was about Kevin Cochran, who was recently fired as Atlanta Police Chief because of a book he wrote on his religious beliefs, which includes condemnation of homosexuality. The left has responded with a focus on the mayor’s argument that he can’t have a city official publicizing his views which may be counter to the city’s official non-discrimination policy, and that he didn’t get permission to publish the book as required by city policy. The right’s response focuses solely on the alleged discrimination for his religious beliefs.

    All of the outcry has of course led to increased sales of the book as indicated by the reviewers on Amazon who had never heard of it before. Their reviews indicate they aren’t familiar with the basic concepts of freedom of speech either. I’m having flashbacks to the Duck Dynasty hubbub where so many cried “freedom of speech” and I was just as amused how many people got it wrong – including the governor of Louisiana.

    But back to Atlanta. Mr. Cochran’s book, according to the Amazon reviews, is a refreshing piece of work for those interested in the subject matter. It’s not something I’m likely to read – you already know I don’t “do” religion if you read my blog from February 8 – and that he equates homosexuality to bestiality and pederasty automatically makes me hear Bill Engvall saying “here’s your sign.” I actually don’t really mind it when people use their religious beliefs as their reason for being uncomfortable with the gays – to each his own and all that. But when those beliefs are based in ignorance, and using the B and P words in the same breath as gay is nothing but that, my eyebrows are going to go up and I will immediately discount pretty much anything else associated with said ignorance.

    Which leads me to wonder how it is that the chief of police could function effectively with these points of view. As police chief, will he not care about gay bashing either because of his beliefs? This is perhaps what lends credence to the mayor’s view that he no longer believes he can uphold the duties of the office, especially when it comes to the nondiscrimination policy, which of course includes both religion and sexual orientation. Mr. Cochran is now suing the city for discrimination based on religion, that he was fired simply for expressing his religious beliefs.

    Except that wasn’t all he did. He passed his book out to his employees at work, and one of them was offended enough by its content to complain, and that’s how the whole thing got started. If he were a rank and file officer, it’s possible no one would have cared. But when you’re the top executive, it’s a very different thing. Like it or not, you are going to be held to a higher standard.

    We’ve established that the freedom of speech argument is a non-starter. But his lawsuit is claiming he was fired for his religious beliefs, which is illegal under Title VII of the Civil Rights Act. If it gets all the way to court without settling first, I will pay attention with great interest. If I had to make a wager today, I would bet he will lose.

    For the employment law course in my HR master’s program, I wrote a paper called “Conflict in Employment Protection: Sexual Orientation vs. Religion.” There have been several cases over the years where employers have been sued for taking action against an employee who was expressing religious views in the workplace. A couple of examples:

    • An employee harasses gays in the workplace, expecting to be protected by religious freedoms. The court sided with the employer, who has a duty to protect all employees in the workplace, and offered the harassing employee many opportunities to stop the behavior before terminating him.
    • An employer requires all employees to sign a statement “valuing diversity,” including sexual orientation. An employee objects to signing it without a discussion about what “valuing” means – what behaviors must he demonstrate? He wanted to make sure the expectations in the workplace didn’t conflict with his religious beliefs. The employer did not entertain the discussion and fired him instead for not supporting company values. The employer lost for being unreasonable. Religious accommodation in the law requires an interactive process which they failed to engage in.

    When cases involve conflicts in civil rights protection – you don’t get much grayer than this, by the way – the courts will generally try to look at the argument from a greater good sort of perspective. In the first case above, the employer’s duty to provide a harassment-free environment to all of its employees trumped the individual’s religious beliefs. In the second case, the employer failed to even discuss options with the employee, which does not serve the greater good at all.

    Yes, everyone is entitled to their beliefs. Yes, the government can’t interfere with one’s religious practices. And yes, employers are barred from taking adverse employment action based solely on religion. This is essentially what Cochran is claiming, and I don’t think it will stand up. If he hadn’t passed the book out at work, it might not have been a thing. But when the top executive is clear in his ignorance about a certain portion of the employee population, and makes that widely known, it’s going to cause problems. And that’s what the mayor acted on.

    Get your popcorn ready. It will be fun to see how this one plays out.

    Epilogue: He won part of the case. The court rejected the city’s argument that he had to get permission to print the book first, because that was too much of an infringement of his freedom of speech. However, they rejected his claim that his rights to free speech and freedom of religion were violated by his firing.

  • Maybe I’m a Confucian! (plus Gratitude for Grief)

    The Confucian line is a joke. Choosing to live in the gray sort of requires that I never box myself in to someone else’s ideology. So just like I remain “unaffiliated” on my voter’s registration, I would never subscribe to any one religion. I’ve done that before and it didn’t work.

    And truly, “gray” started for me in trying to find a way out of the box I’d built for myself. I’ve never been anti-God, but the religion I was raised with had never really worked for me. That probably had something to do with being gay, knowing that from an early age, and believing based on my environment that there was something wrong with me. I’ve always maintained that I would be gay if I wasn’t an alcoholic, and I would be an alcoholic if I wasn’t gay. But that combination, woven into my religious upbringing, was damaging to me in a major way. It took me a long time to unravel all of that. There’s a reason I didn’t come out until I was about seven years sober: I had to find a God that was OK with me being gay before I could be OK with me being gay. (The obvious answer, atheism, one many of my brethren have picked, was never really an option for me.)

    I started consciously working my way out of this box on the day I got sober. The 12-step community suggested I could create my own concept of God. It’s an understatement to say that this thought had never occurred to me. Just like it had never occurred to me to not pick up the first drink. Both thoughts were liberating. I saw hope in the rooms. People talked about their drinking in ways that resembled mine; classically, I thought I was the only one. And yet they had clearly found a solution. So I latched on to what was suggested and starting doing things differently.

    I understood early on that the answer for me was going to be in spiritual exploration. If the only religion I had ever known wouldn’t work for me, what would? Significantly, what I had learned in that religion convinced me that if it wasn’t going to work, no religion would, and I chose very alternative paths instead. What I’ve learned since is that religion to me is always going to be about someone else’s path to God; spirituality would be my own.

    So I got busy seeking. I think I can say with a great deal of confidence that in 23 years, I’ve never stopped. I’ve learned so much and been both challenged and enriched in so many ways by what I’ve learned that I keep going to see what else there is to discover. It is the foundation of “gray” for me, because I have all of these different resources in my head that I can draw from to come up with a solution, action or way of thinking about whatever presents itself that gives me a way forward. And when it comes to why I’m writing this (a question I was asked a couple of weeks ago that in the moment I didn’t have an answer to), I guess that’s why: to give others something else to think about in ways I have found so useful to my life.

    What were these alternate paths? Writings by both contemporary and early 20th-century folks who had interesting things to say about God, how we can connect, how we can use scripture to do so by studying the historical context in which it was written, and a lot about how to think (or more to the point manage the ego), why we’re here, what do with with our time while we are (especially in relationship to others), and musings about what happens next. And lots of other things. Who are these writers? Too many to list, but my favorites have been Emmet Fox, Ernest Holmes, Neale Donald Walsch, Caroline Myss (who I quote often), and a body of work called “A Course in Miracles,” written by a couple of professors out of Columbia University. And, of course, Alcoholic Anonymous AKA “the big book”.

    What does all this have to do with my opening Confucian reference? I’ve started almost every morning for the past 23 years reading (usually just a page or two, sometimes more) out of something that continues the exploration for me. The book of the day is “The World’s Religions” by Huston Smith. I’m actually very surprised that I haven’t read it before, but had somehow never heard of it, despite having been originally written in 1958; he’s updated it a couple of times since.

    He starts with Eastern religions. I’d gotten through Hinduism and Buddhism, and Confucianism was next. I can’t say for sure I knew that was a religion, and some would argue that it isn’t. Not the point. I stumbled across this paragraph on page 180 earlier this week:

    “…a Confucian who is bent on self-cultivation positions himself or herself squarely in the center of ever-shifting, never-ending cross-currents of human relationships and would not wish things otherwise; saintliness in isolation had no meaning for Confucius. The point is not merely that human relationships are fulfilling; Confucian claim runs deeper than that. It is rather that apart from human relationships there is no self. The self is the center of relationships. It is constructed through its interactions with others and is defined by the sum of its social roles.”

    Wow. This is a central theme of the spiritual worldview I have constructed over the years and I had never seen it referenced before in any religion. Hence the title of this blog entry.

    People who know me well have heard me say many times: we are who we are only in relationship to others. I might believe myself to be a compassionate person, but unless I act in a compassionate way – which requires interaction with others – who cares? Myself in isolation means little. It is interacting with others that makes me who I am. A challenge, by the way, for this extreme introvert who gets his rejuvenation from being alone. So it requires a balance to be sure.

    Inherent in this idea of relationships is the concept of relativity. I wouldn’t have a true appreciation of love if I hadn’t also experienced hate or indifference. If love was all I knew it would be meaningless. The people I interact with who bring different elements into my life are, I believe, there to teach me something, to give me a choice. They are merely opportunities to decide who I want to be in relationship to who they are being. And it’s in the deciding that I create who I am, and the life which results. And I always have a choice. To stay, to go, to change, to yell, to love. To be and do whatever I choose.

    I need other people to be. Literally. To be what? To be Anything. I cannot be loving in a vacuum. I cannot be generous without someone to give to. I cannot be funny without someone to laugh. And I can’t be hurt without someone to hurt me. Yet it’s the hurt that makes the love shine brighter. It all works together in a brilliant mosaic. People say “it’s all good” all the time. To me, that’s literal. It really IS all good, because it’s all required to appreciate any of it. From that perspective, you can learn to not judge any situation as good or bad – it’s just opportunity for you to decide who you want to be next.

    What Confucius was talking about 2500 years ago fits right in with that as I interpret it. It was fun to see.

    I have a list of potential future blog entries going. I was going to write one called “Gratitude for Grief”, which would outline another central tenet of my spiritual worldview. I may still write the longer one I had in mind, but I think it’s fitting to do at least a portion of it now, because it really does tie in to everything I just wrote. And, because my recovery community experienced a significant loss this morning.

    As I said earlier, I quote Caroline Myss a lot. One of my favorite lessons from her was: gratitude on a full stomach doesn’t count. It’s easy to be grateful when everything is going your way. But to develop strong spiritual muscles, I had to learn to bring gratitude to joblessness, near-homelessness, disappointment, and a host of other things. I didn’t have to deal with grief really until my partner at the time, Michael, died so unexpectedly in 2010. I had lost both parents already, my father just 10 days before, but both of those were expected and natural in the scheme of things, easier for me to deal with. Michael’s shook me to my core because it was unnatural (an accidental overdose), unexpected, and I’d found him dead in our home. That’s where the much longer story is that maybe I’ll tell someday.

    But eleven months later around Thanksgiving I was surprised – and highly annoyed – to discover that grief was still with me. And finally, after a period of journaling, I merged the two ideas that were each major pillars of my worldview, but I’d which somehow never woven together before: gratitude and relativity (as I describe it above). And I realized that the only reason I was experiencing grief, was that I’d once loved deeply. If I wanted to avoid grief, I was going to have to avoid love.

    Clearly, that’s not a choice I’m willing to make. Today, I am grateful for grief because it is nothing more than evidence that I had great love in my life.

    So for all of my friends who are grieving from Edie’s passing, I hope you can remember that you are feeling it because you love her, she loves you, and neither of you wanted to live any other way. Embrace the grief as the evidence of love in your life that it is.

    And go love some more.

  • Evolving Choices

    Introduction” was my attempt to explain Living in the Gray along with the motivation for why I’m doing this now. I consider this to be my first official blog entry.

    And I thought it would be fitting to start with first thing I ever wrote for public consumption. I was playing in the then new field of Life Coaching in 1998 – long before most people had ever heard of it, although now life coaches seem to be everywhere. Ironically, I am much more equipped on many levels to be successful in that field today than I was then, but I have zero interest in pursuing it professionally.

    Some context is needed on the reference to quitting Corporate America in the opening paragraph:

    I left USAA in May of 1997 after 15 years to “pursue other opportunities” as they say. I had known for at least two years that I wanted to be doing something different, just couldn’t find the time or energy to figure out what or how. I had an epiphany one weekend sitting on a cliff in Santa Barbara while on retreat:  I was never going to figure out what I wanted to do with the rest of my life as long as I kept doing this 60+ hours a week. Some other changes had just occurred in my life that made it feasible to quit, so I did. It was a time of exploration.

    I could make this a really, Really, REALLY long story but I won’t. I will say this: leaving the corporate world wasn’t the objective at the time. I was somehow doing fine on the operations management side of USAA but that wasn’t the goal at all. My passion was training. I’d only gone back to operations as a manager because I knew that was necessary to do what I really wanted to do, which was management development training. I finally realized I would likely have to go back to San Antonio to do that, and that wasn’t happening. I did a wide variety of things during the two years between USAA and InnoVentry, my next corporate job. In the fall of 1997 I stumbled into the life coaching community on the internet. I became smitten. The work that was being done was right up my alley and exactly what I needed for my own growth in that moment – personal, contemplative, difficult, all pushing towards living a more authentic life. I started taking courses to get certified, got a coach of my own, and started playing with pro-bono clients, people who knew me and trusted me that I could practice on. By early 1998 I had a handful of paying clients who had found me in an online directory of coaches. One of them was leading a spiritual organization, a community based in Native American traditions; we did some really interesting work together over the next couple of years.

    The article below was a request of hers. She asked me to write on “growth” for her group’s newsletter  Evolving Choices was the result. This blog is an evolution of my own choices, and also technology or at least social norms. If blogs existed when I first wrote this, very few people knew about them. And this is a far cry from a book, and certainly feels better. So definitely a fitting way to kick this off.

    While I loved the work being done in the life coaching arena, I learned I didn’t have what it takes to be self-employed in that way. Translation: boy likes to eat. So in the summer of 1999 I started looking for a real job, and came across a startup, InnoVentry, that needed someone to build a call center training department from scratch. Talk about right up my alley. Being startup, there were lots of problems to solve, and I got my hands into all kind of things, including staffing, compensation and employee relations, and expanded my training reach into leadership development and an enterprise audience. Eventually, I was made the HR Director for the Sacramento operation and that’s how I ended up in HR. From the first day in the new role I was like “oh, THIS is where I’m supposed to be.” That was early 2001. It’s been a great fit for me ever since.

    And yes, that’s the short version. Very short. There are many other potential blog entries buried in there. But, even the short version is an example of Evolving Choices. So on with the show.

    Originally completed in January of 1999, with only minor edits since (primarily for flow), I think it still works. What do you think?

    Evolving Choices

    When a client of mine asked me to write an article on “growth” for a newsletter she publishes, my first thought was: What do I know about growth and can I write about it? Then I laughed. As a divorced, gay, recovering alcoholic who quit Corporate America to start my own coaching practice, then left a marriage to come out, I decided I might have a thing or two to share. The question became: Where do I start?

    The answer came pretty quickly. “Start where you usually do when you have no clue where to begin.” So I went to the dictionary. The second definition of “growth” listed in Microsoft Bookshelf ’98 resonated with me: Development from a lower or simpler form to a higher or more complex form; evolution.

    “Evolution” is one of my most favorite words, second only to “choice”. And I realized that’s what I believe growth is: Evolving Choices.

    Everything around us is in constant motion, constant change, constant growth. Constant Evolution. Plants, animals, technology, business, art – you name it. Nothing is the same today as it was yesterday. Anyone at least semi-conscious would have to objectively agree. That said, I find it fascinating that we fight change relentlessly. Everything around us is changing, yet we plant our feet firmly, sometimes stubbornly. Why do we do that? It makes no sense.

    We have very little control over our lives. OK, how ‘bout no control? Not over the weather, not the stock market; certainly not over people. We hardly have control over ourselves. In my experience, the only thing we can control with any regularity is our choices, and frequently only with a great deal of effort. While the world we operate in continues to evolve, our ability to respond to the changes around us rests completely with how we choose to respond to them.

    I probably started out not liking change as much as the next guy. But my first supervisor in Corporate America set me straight about that a long time ago. “Is this change permanent?”, I naively asked about something happening in the work environment. She laughed. “Honey, the only thing around here that’s permanent is change.” That put my head in the right place and for the most part it’s been there ever since.

    That gave me what I needed to survive in the corporate world, but I had a much harder time dealing with personal change. The secret I discovered years back is that if I keep myself evolving also, I won’t be tripped up by the changes coming at me – I’ll simply dance with them. What’s more, if I am leading the changes, I’ll feel like I have more control. I look to see what my part is in any situation – where I can take some responsibility, however remote – so I know where to focus my energy. If I make it about someone or something else, I loose control. Choosing to respond, rather than reacting or being done unto, is a path of growth in and of itself. And a difficult one at that. But one which is extremely worthwhile. For control freaks like me, choosing to respond is the greatest gift I give myself. It keeps me from being a victim.

    Since everything around us is on its own evolutionary path, and what allows us to dance with Change is the choices we make, it would make sense that our choices evolve, also. Right? This is how we will mitigate friction, feel more in control, and eliminate struggle. Life becomes easier because you become freer to try new things, walk new paths, and do things differently than you did them yesterday. You no longer paddle upstream, but go with the flow. Evolving your choices creates a struggle-free life.

    So what do I mean by evolving choices, and how does one do that? By choosing to respond to things differently today then you did yesterday. Over and over and over again. Some of you may recognize this as “quit doing the same thing and expecting different results.” It starts there, definitely. But it continues. Forever. You create a consciousness where you continually monitor the effectiveness of your choices, and change them in order to get the results you want based on what’s happening around you right now.

    You might be thinking: That sounds really hard. Why would I want to do this? Because it’s much, much easier in the long run. You create less damage along the way, so there’s less you have to undo or repair. You develop a discipline to take the time to look around, see what is going on outside and inside, and make a conscious decision about what your part is and who you want to be relative to the situation. Then act accordingly. As opposed to blindly going off and reacting the way you would have done in the past, and then being sincerely surprised when things don’t turn out the way you want them to, and/or exactly the same as they always do. (Sound familiar?)

    The key point here is “who you want to be.” You get to create this, over and over and over again, simply by responding differently to situations. You get to decide this. This is where you get unstuck, get out of a rut, and break patterns. This is where you grow.

    You start by taking extremely good care of yourself. Contrary to what you may have been taught, you MUST take care of yourself first before you will be of any use to others. You will not be in the physical, emotional, or spiritual condition necessary to be of service to others if you do not start with yourself first. Raise your standards. Strengthen your boundaries. Get all of your needs met. Let go of relationships that drain you. Take some classes. Get a massage twice a month. Sleep more. Read more. Eat better. Exercise. Appreciate nature. Be Quiet. Pray. Meditate.

    Dealing with fear is probably the surest way to jump-start your own evolution, and keep it going – one fear at a time. Look carefully at your fears and get comfortable with them. Learn to embrace them. You can heal what you hold close to you. Decide which fears are healthy and which ones are unhealthy. Healthy fears are rational ones that keep you safe. Unhealthy fears are irrational ones that stifle and restrain you, and are a sure path to growth once overcome. The experience of taking better care of yourself will generate the courage and self-esteem you need to help you walk through the fears you have which keep you from evolving. You will discover a new you, and create a new life for yourself along the way. Your own evolution will lessen the impact of the evolution going on in your environment, simply because you will be moving with and growing – not standing against, becoming stagnant.

    Once you’ve experienced success in handling some of your smaller fears, you’ll discover a yearning to do more, be more. Try this: Ask yourself what your greatest fear is. What’s the thing your spirit, inner voice, higher power, God, could ask you do to that would scare you the most? Quit an addiction? Leave a relationship that’s stifling or damaging to you? Quit the job that doesn’t allow you to be you and find something that will feed your soul? Get honest about your sexuality? Whatever it is, write it down. But be ready. In a relatively short period of time, you will be compelled to walk through that fear. But don’t despair! I’ve walked through all of these myself. I know from experience that joy replaces fear as your actions reflect your heart and soul. I have also experienced my needs getting met in ways I could never have imagined possible. Because as soon as we take that first step, the universe realigns itself to bring us exactly what we need. And our evolution continues…

    “A living thing is distinguished from a dead thing by the multiplicity of the changes at any moment taking place in it.” Herbert Spencer (1820-1903).

    “Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.”

    The above on Providence is probably my most favorite quote, because I’ve found it to be so true in my life, and is a good reminder when I forget. It is usually attributed to Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832); it’s actually William Hutchinson Murray (1913-1996).

     

  • Living in the Gray: Introduction

    For years people have been telling me I should write a book. I’ve never been exactly clear on what they think I should write about. But usually the comment comes after I’ve shared a particular point of view about something, and they seem to find my perspective – I don’t know, original maybe? At least thought provoking.

    So the idea of writing a book has been in the back of my head for awhile now, I have just never been able to figure out what the format would be. I’m not imaginative enough to write fiction, so I’m left with something autobiographical, or a series of essays. Or a series of essays that are autobiographical?

    When I started travel blogging in the Spring of 2013, I got lots more “you should write a book” comments. Blogging our trips has been very rewarding on a number of levels. I find myself paying closer attention to what we’re doing, seeing and noticing things and remembering details that I probably wouldn’t otherwise. That others enjoy and participate in the entries makes it a richer, more meaningful experience for sure, but I also have to work a little at not letting the reactions (or lack thereof) of others get in the way and stay true to what I want to write about.

    What blogging has done though is make me realize that it might be the way to go for now, to get some of these essays I’ve been thinking about out of my head. Since I’m – once again – at this place in my life where change is happening in a major way,  I figured it was the perfect time to kick it up a notch higher and finally do this writing thing I’ve been thinking about for years.

    So a blog it is. Although I couldn’t decide on approach, I long ago decided on the title for the book I would someday write. Rather than wait for that, I’m going to use it now: Living in the Gray.

    I used to be a pretty black-and-white, all-or-nothing person but over time that stopped working for me. I’ve made a lot of changes in my life. I’ve shifted from blocked and hiding to fairly self-aware and pretty transparent. I’ve shifted from being a chameleon to a commitment towards authenticity. I’ve transitioned from being rigidly religious to being fluidly spiritual. I’ve shifted from being mostly Republican to something that doesn’t have a label or a party. I can’t always tell in hindsight if the shifts in thinking lead to changes in how I live, or the other way around, but simultaneously my exterior life has changed. A lot. My arenas of employment, money, relationships, and housing have seen some wild rides. Those who have known me for a long time know I’m entering a period that is sort of Makeover #4.

    When I think about things I might have said that brought on people’s “you should write a book” comment, it’s usually a perspective I have that comes from one of the above shifts or experiences. “Living in the gray” became a strategy for me, to consciously get beyond black and white, search for multiple shades of gray and determine the one that works best for me, that makes the most sense given the variables at play. I’ve done a ton of studying and practiced lots of things in my own life to see what does work for me, so often the perspective I’m sharing is my own experience, not just my opinion, and folks have found that valuable. Hence, “you should write a book.”

    I’m a control freak by nature. I’ve had to give much of that up over the years to keep my sanity since I’d been known to try to control things I couldn’t. “Living in the Gray” provides some of that control I crave. By digging deeper and discovering more options than might have been obviously present, I understand things better, can make better choices, and (feel like I) have more control. (I know that, in the end, control is an illusion. But that’s another blog entry…)

    I learned a trick a long time ago that has served me well: you really can’t make a true choice until you’ve got at least 3 options to choose from. Having only one option isn‘t an option, it’s a trap. Having just two options creates a dilemma. Three options provide the minimum clarity you need to make a clear choice, and more than three gives you even more clarity. Gray doesn’t begin until you have at least three. So if three or more options aren’t apparent, I seek until I find.

    Often these situations are life’s challenges. But sometimes they’re views on current events, things we ponder to try to make sense of the world. Living “gray” is not about middle-of-the road or centrist thinking; it’s about nuance. Sometimes you end up on the right, sometimes the left, sometimes somewhere in between but not necessarily the middle. It isn’t ideological, it’s case-by-case. My voter registration is checked “unaffiliated” for a reason.

    We live in a world where so much information is thrown at us from so many directions, so fast, we often don’t take the time to explore the details and figure out what’s really happening, what’s really important. We go with the 160 character soundbite and move on to the next. But some stories – I’d argue the most important stories – can’t be told in soundbites. Especially soundbites that come from “fair and balanced” major media outlets that are anything but. And all sides are guilty of that, it wasn’t a shot at Fox. The Hobby Lobby decision is a great example, something I may expand on in an upcoming entry. It was a very complicated case that people on both sides lost their minds over because they didn’t dig deep enough into the facts. Into the nuance. Into the Gray.

    The decision to blog vs. attempting to write a book is in and of itself a manifestation of Living in the Gray. Myself and many of my friends were jolted by the unexpected passing of an amazing guy on December 26, 2014, while he was fulfilling a dream learning to dive in Mexico. It was a vivid reminder of that cold reality: you never know when your time is up.  I’d actually had the realization that blogging might be the way to go after that 2nd Europe trip in May, 2014. I’d even made some notes and started writing a bit. But I never got it off the ground.

    At Shon’s memorial service last week I made a promise – to him and myself – that I would make his death mean something in my life.  It’s beyond time to get off my ass. Be more. Do more. Live. I didn’t know what that would look like in that moment but it came to me the other day. Often something is better than nothing, as opposed to all-or-nothing. Blog vs. Book vs. Nothing. Gray = minimum of 3 choices = Clarity.

    So I dedicate this opening salvo to Shon in memory of his unconditional love and friendship, and the great example he lived of not waiting. Do it now.

    I’m not going to commit to a routine but will shoot for a couple of entries a month just for the discipline. I’ve got a lot going on right now – a new job starting in a week, a potential move coming up if this current escrow goes through, and taking the last course in my HR masters program – which will make time tight but also provide lots of material :) So we’ll see.

    My topics will sometimes be reflective, such as the first one I have planned and mostly ready to go, “Evolving Choices.” Or about a particular experience or period of my life. But some will be related to current events, such as Hobby Lobby, as a way to demonstrate how, for me, “living in the gray” helps make sense of a very complex world.

    So come along or don’t, and I’ll try not to care too much either way :) But your feedback and participation is welcome if you do; my experience with the travel blog tells me your contributions will make it a richer experience for all of us.